Filed under: General
Being that Sydney’s experiencing a rather warm spring, and that school holidays are on us here in NSW, people are flocking to the point where water meets dirt, the beach.
Here’s a few pedantic pointers to make sure your day at the seaside is tops.
1: Everyone knows that they’re undies. Go across the street and buy a $10 pair. We don’t need to see how your parents felt about circumsision through your wet jocks, please.
2: Even though the signs says “no ball games” you can get away with it if you’ve got some space. The moment you have to leap over someone to fetch your missle, you need to pull stumps. No-one likes sand in the eyes from a two-man tackle next to their blanket.
3: Fellas – just because there’s bare boobs baking in the sun on display, doesn’t mean that they’re there to stare at. Treat them like the sun. Glimpse and look away. If possible, find a way to glimpse as you turn your head as if looking for something “over there” so if you do get busted, you can get away with the idea that you were looking far off in to the distance.
4: Australian sun will burn the shit out of you. Put sunblock on. No-one looks good pink and crispy.
5: If you’re swimming, seriously – do it between the flags and stay out of the shore dump. The flags/lifeguards/clubbies aren’t there for decoration. One false step in the water outside of the flags and you can be slammed into the sand bank quicker than you can say “suspected spinal”, or have a cranky surfer run his quad fin fish over your head so you look like the guys in “Fist of the North Star” because you are in the end of his dredging shore-break barrel. Swim between the flags. Don’t be dead.
6: Take your rubbish with you. There is no magical litter fairy who comes and takes care of it. Your Mummy is not here to pick up after you.
7: IF you must smoke on the beach, please don’t flick your butts in the sand. Take them with you. The insulating properties of the sand keeps them hot enough to burn skin for up to an hour. It really fuckin’ hurts when you’re jogging barefoot and get your sole burned by one of those filthy things.
8: Radios are to be used sparingly. If you’re going to bring one to the sand, make it good and choose good tunes. Much kudos to the guys the other day that had converted a wheelie bin in to a full-tilt P.A. The amp, batteries, speakers, everything was in there. Top form gents.
9: If you really must, go in to the water to have a wee. Poos, OUT OF THE QUESTION. I’ve seen it done, the aqua-borrie. Please, we have sewerage outfalls offshore for a reason. No one wants to spit out bits of your poo after it’s been mashed up by the waves. Really. You are not three.
10: If you’re on any kind of surfcraft, bail before you hit someone. It doesn’t matter how much right of way you think you have, no one needs a fin in the head.
11: People are low and will steal things straight off of your towel. Only take things with you that you are prepared to not go home with. Mobiles, Cameras, Crackberries, people will nick them while you’re in the water. Leave them or someone with them.
12: Drink plenty of water. It’s hot out there and sunstroke sucks.
13: Make a game out of spotting bad tattoos. For example, extra points go to spotting those heavy Eastern European guys with maps of their country crossed with AK-47′s over it tattooed on their chests. Double Points for “Korn” or “Slipknot” Tattoos. Super-Bonus points for the “Limp-Bizkit” tatts. Barbed-Wire arm bands circa 1994 are only worth a point each.
14: Don’t waste your time. If you’re single, and they’re single, go and say hello. “Excuse me, may I borrow some of your sunblock” is still the best pick up line ever. Go for it.
Enjoy the summer.
Take care of yourself.
Did I miss any?
xx aa
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Pretty thorough well thought out list there.
Should be mandatory that they be listed at every main entrance to the beach as a checklist, don’t pass not allowed down there. Hmm… maybe even inclusion in the new citizenship test? All about Australian Values and all.
I find it slightly disturbing when I walk into the girls shower blocks… and there are people showering in the nude with the doors open. I cant count on one hand how many times this has happened to me and it is pretty much just Granny’s who do this.
So I would add to that list ‘Use the doors they are there for a reason’.
“Australian sun will burn the shit out of you. Put sunblock on. No-one looks good pink and crispy.”
It is quite fun picking the Euro backpackers with this one.
Great pointers and yes they should be a checklist at all beaches as someone else mentioned. I was at the beach on Wednesday and experienced a few of these.In regards to point no.14, a gorgeous guy said hello to me as I walked passed and although I didn’t say anything, I just smiled in acknowledgement, and feel bad now, because did I mention he was gorgeous, I will in future ask for sunblock whether they have any or not, so thanks for the tip.
Okay, stop it you’re making me jealous.
It may be sunny here but its cold and I’m miles from the nearest beach.
I want to be on the beach in the hot sunshine drinking fresh smoothies!
[...] Beach Etiquette – Some Classic Andrew G Writing. Love your work! [...]
Katrina’s summer hints.
Stay inside.
Run a bath if you want to go swimming, sun bake off the rays of the television or interweb.
Minimise human contact by switching off mobile, draw blinds and lock house.
No dogs!! I love them but not when they are licking the sunscreen off my legs and coating me in sand.
No beach tents thoughtlessly erected in front of me so that I can’t even see the sea!
Aaah summer – I can hardly wait…..
‘The gentleman’s guide to having a perv’, by Andrew G. Love it. No one will be convinced that you where looking in exactly the same direction as the bare boobs but at something completely different and far more interesting, but it makes things more pleasant for all concerned.
Everybody can forgive a look but nobody likes a leer!
Also, double the applications of sunblock on the little un’s as they burn twice as fast as we seasoned performers!!!
its hilarious, thanks for making me laugh loudly in my office and having people looking at me thinking that im some kind of a looney.
Bunga xx
Can I add ….
You don’t have to kill stuff to have fun.
I often find young boys running around the rocks in the intertidal zone trying to find stuff to kill for fun.
Also… just because a chick goes to the beach by herself, doesn’t mean she wants to get picked up: It’s difficult to get out of a conversation with someone who is squatting over you practically while you are lying on your stomache half naked with obviously no better place to be.
-approach girls who are with friends, they will be more relaxed.
-at least wait until she has gotten up to get an ice-cream, that way she can say ‘thank you’ and walk away if she’s not digging it.
But being friendly in general is ace!
[...] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerpt Being that Sydney’s experiencing a rather warm spring, and that school holidays are on us here in NSW, people are flocking to the point where water meets dirt, the beach. Here’s a few pedantic pointers to make sure your day at the seaside is tops. 1: Everyone knows that they’re undies. Go across the street and buy a $10 pair. We don’t need to see how your parents felt about circumsision through your wet jocks, please. 2: Even though the signs says “no ball games” you can get awa with it if [...]