My house (like every house I’ve ever lived in – -except one in Adelaide) is on a hill. Towards the bottom of my Street, there’s a busy bus stop. The actual sign that signifies the bus area is about five metres uphill from where the sheltered seat is, and it’s a marked incline. Across the street from the bus stop is a retirement home. Put two and two together folks, what do you get?
The occasion of older Australians (who are always exceptionally well-dressed) who have sat down on the seat to get a moment’s rest because their replaced hip is killing them, and then when the bus comes, everyone fifty years their junior standing and waiting all file on to the bus, and have processed their tickets and sat down while our older brothers or sisters are still negotiating the tricky task of getting up from the bus seat and walking up a hill.
You’d imagine that the kindly bus driver would calmly wait, with a bus full of people, and perhaps even help the elderly lady/gent on board.
You imagined wrong. They heartless bastards drive off, lest they be kept waiting by a person with a pensioner ticket.
You have seen your Grandparents try and get up from a chair haven’t you? It’s a mission to get creaky old joints to move at all, and then to walk up a hill, it’s always a shuffle and not a sprint.
I have seen it a few times, clear as day the driver spots the older potential in the rear vision mirror, calculates their ETA at the bus door, and then weights up whether they’ll wait for them or dive into the traffic that’s just opened up. Sometimes, when I’m walking down my hill, I see this happening and madly signal the driver to stop driving off and let the older guy/girl on, even knocking on the bus door – but they just shake their heads with a “shoulda been ready” look and drive off.
I’m sure that the bus driver has good reason to pull away from the kerb and leave a shuffling grey person alone on the footpath, I’m sure they’ve a schedule to keep or left the oven on or something. I really do hope that the thought process that goes on in their heads is a rational one, and that they can sleep at night.

It happened the other day when both myself and another random guy tried to flag the bus down, and he still drove off.
I get really mad yet the older person just shrugs, yet another young whipper-snapper showing them disrespect, no big deal.

I can’t stand it.

We are all going to die old and wrinkly and happy.
So be nice to old people as often as you can.
They have great stories, sage-like advice and no matter what you think, were wilder than you’d ever imagine in their 20′s.

xx aa

Being that Sydney’s experiencing a rather warm spring, and that school holidays are on us here in NSW, people are flocking to the point where water meets dirt, the beach.

Here’s a few pedantic pointers to make sure your day at the seaside is tops.

1: Everyone knows that they’re undies. Go across the street and buy a $10 pair. We don’t need to see how your parents felt about circumsision through your wet jocks, please.

2: Even though the signs says “no ball games” you can get away with it if you’ve got some space. The moment you have to leap over someone to fetch your missle, you need to pull stumps. No-one likes sand in the eyes from a two-man tackle next to their blanket.

3: Fellas – just because there’s bare boobs baking in the sun on display, doesn’t mean that they’re there to stare at. Treat them like the sun. Glimpse and look away. If possible, find a way to glimpse as you turn your head as if looking for something “over there” so if you do get busted, you can get away with the idea that you were looking far off in to the distance.

4: Australian sun will burn the shit out of you. Put sunblock on. No-one looks good pink and crispy.

5: If you’re swimming, seriously – do it between the flags and stay out of the shore dump. The flags/lifeguards/clubbies aren’t there for decoration. One false step in the water outside of the flags and you can be slammed into the sand bank quicker than you can say “suspected spinal”, or have a cranky surfer run his quad fin fish over your head so you look like the guys in “Fist of the North Star” because you are in the end of his dredging shore-break barrel. Swim between the flags. Don’t be dead.

6: Take your rubbish with you. There is no magical litter fairy who comes and takes care of it. Your Mummy is not here to pick up after you.

7: IF you must smoke on the beach, please don’t flick your butts in the sand. Take them with you. The insulating properties of the sand keeps them hot enough to burn skin for up to an hour. It really fuckin’ hurts when you’re jogging barefoot and get your sole burned by one of those filthy things.

8: Radios are to be used sparingly. If you’re going to bring one to the sand, make it good and choose good tunes. Much kudos to the guys the other day that had converted a wheelie bin in to a full-tilt P.A. The amp, batteries, speakers, everything was in there. Top form gents.

9: If you really must, go in to the water to have a wee. Poos, OUT OF THE QUESTION. I’ve seen it done, the aqua-borrie. Please, we have sewerage outfalls offshore for a reason. No one wants to spit out bits of your poo after it’s been mashed up by the waves. Really. You are not three.

10: If you’re on any kind of surfcraft, bail before you hit someone. It doesn’t matter how much right of way you think you have, no one needs a fin in the head.

11: People are low and will steal things straight off of your towel. Only take things with you that you are prepared to not go home with. Mobiles, Cameras, Crackberries, people will nick them while you’re in the water. Leave them or someone with them.

12: Drink plenty of water. It’s hot out there and sunstroke sucks.

13: Make a game out of spotting bad tattoos. For example, extra points go to spotting those heavy Eastern European guys with maps of their country crossed with AK-47′s over it tattooed on their chests. Double Points for “Korn” or “Slipknot” Tattoos. Super-Bonus points for the “Limp-Bizkit” tatts. Barbed-Wire arm bands circa 1994 are only worth a point each.

14: Don’t waste your time. If you’re single, and they’re single, go and say hello. “Excuse me, may I borrow some of your sunblock” is still the best pick up line ever. Go for it.

Enjoy the summer.
Take care of yourself.

Did I miss any?
xx aa