Why is it that the moment it starts to rain, people forget how to drive?
Sure you need to exercise caution and all that, but completely losing the ability to do normal day to day driving functions like merging, changing lanes, even simple acceleration and deceleration seem beyond normally capable drivers the moment the asphalt is a slight bit damp.

I understand that yes, you’re taking care, but one does not need to revert to ‘L’ plate status as soon as the road is wet.
You’re more dangerous than you are safe when driving that way.

xx aa

Every day I run up and down the mountain at the end of my street.
I have a pair of those Oakley shades with the Mp3 player in them.
I run better up mountains when I’m listening to rock n roll.
Here’s what took me to the summit and back today.

Beautiful Girls: Van Halen
Brown Sugar: The Rolling Stones
Blitzkrieg Bop: The Ramones
Bück Dich: Rammstein
Cum On Feel The Noize: Quiet Riot
Bring Tha Noise: Public Enemy w/ Anthrax
Crazy Train: Ozzy Osbourne
Ace Of Spades: Mötorhead
Always On The Run: Lenny Kravitz
Detroit Rock City: Kiss
All Day & All Of The Night: The Kinks
BREAKING THE LAW: Judas Priest
Crosstown Traffic: Jimi Hendrix
Cold Hard Bitch: JET
Are You Gonna Be My Girl: JET
99 Problems: Jay-Z + DJ Danger Mouse
Been Caught Stealing: Jane’s Addiction
a town called malice: The Jam
Damaged Goods: Gang of Four
Ashes To Ashes: Faith No More
Danger! High Voltage: Electric Six
Dance Commander: Electric Six
40 Boys In 40 Nights: The Donnas
Backstage: The Donnas
Boys In Town: Divinyls
California Uber Alles: Dead Kennedys
Blacken My Thumb: The Datsuns
Better Get A Lawyer: The Cruel Sea
Bloodsport For All: Carter USM
Cop Killer: Body Count
Dancing With Myself: Generation X
Billy Idol – White Wedding: Billy Idol
Cut The Cake: Average White Band
Am I ever gunna see your face again?: The Angels

California über älles makes more sense when you’re actually in California.
xx a

Every morning I ride the deadly treadly down to the coffee shop at the end of the street.

It’s right next door to the liquor store on the corner.

This morning I was the first customer in there, and I had to wait outside until the espresso machine was up to full steam.

I waited in front of the store in the warm morning sun, waiting for my hit.

Next door, the liquor store guy was opening up as well.

There was a guy standing in front of his shop too, a guy standing there with a handful of change, also waiting to be first in line to get his hit.

It was 8am.

Both of us had something in common.
I’m just glad that the craving that I have is more socially accpetable than his.

I was waiting for my man, like Lou Reed

xx a a

An Open Letter to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, directors of ‘Date Movie’.

Gentlemen,
My name is Andrew and I work in television in Australia, a small suburb of America located in the south Pacific.
I have never made anything more than a few trifling short films on home movie cameras, and most of them were made when we were drunk and seemed like a great idea at the time, yet were revealed to be craptastic in the cold sober light of day.

Even with my shite movie making credentials, it is in my role as a cinema patron that I wish to approach you.

On Saturday, in preparation for an interview with Sophie Monk, I plodded off to a gigaplex in Century City to watch your film, Date Movie.

I was excited to see it, as about a year or so ago, I had cause to know someone involved in production and leafed through the script. It really looked quite funny! The gags on paper worked well, and I found myself laughing out loud quite often.

However, about three seconds into the opening scene I knew I was in trouble.
Never before have I wanted to leap out of a movie theatre so much.
Not only did your film look like it was made at Franklin’s Big Fresh in the ‘parody’ aisle, but the script that was so funny on first reading was butchered beyond belief.

I spent 83 minutes of my life watching your film. In a cruel twist, you even edited Sophie Monk into the last few scenes, so there was no way that I could scoot when her part was over.

83 minutes worth of my precious breaths and heartbeats you’ve stolen from me. 83 minutes where I could have been taking a shit or remooving unwanted body hair, or something more productive that sitting in that theatre watching what was obviously so hideously bad half way through production, you just shoved it out the door, closed your eyes and started making the next film.

Every actor in that movie is probably hiding under their beds hoping that the film will just go away.

Yet, people will forgive the actors, so my heart goes out to you guys, who put your names as directors to this film and now have to try and get work again.

Do you realise that in Australia a trip to the flicks for two people costs around $50 once parking and snacks are taken care of?

As penance, I think it would be nice of you to go door to door in Australia, Jay and Silent Bob style, and personally apologise to everyone that saw your film.

Having said all that, the fact that Date Movie was Australia’s #1 film this weekend leaves me thinking that either the Film company did a great job marketing the point that you see Sophie Monk naked in the film, or my country is a nation of people who have very, very low standards in comedy.

I’m sorry I’m such a pedant. Enjoy your money Gentlemen as you laugh all the way to the bank.

xx aa

Ok. Lots of talk in the news at the moment.
Best to understand what it’s all about before making comment..
So, if you feel like it, read this (which was written by the Saudi Embassy in Washington, so bear that in mind) or go here and read some of ‘Popular Articles’ on the lower right column. Won’t take you long. Go on, it’s interesting!
xx aa

Here’s a copy of an article I wrote for the lovely folk who publish the Jewish community newsletter in Brisbane.
It was in response to a request to talk about being Jewish and being on the telly.
I’m posting it because it’s a question I get asked a lot, and I thought I may pop an answer out there in case anyone’s interested.

“I guess that while my last name telegraphs Jewry like the name Ngyuen
telegraphs being Vietnamese, I’m not actually Jewish.
My Czech grand father, Jacob Günsberg married my Catholic grand mother,
Joska back in Prague. So when my Catholic Father married my Catholic
Mother, my brothers and I were all baptised.

While I never held the Catholic dogma we were raised on in
school close to my heart, I’m still Günsberg in name only.

Having said that though, on a recent trip to Israel, as one feels
peckish when hungry or is late-ish when turning up to a morning meeting at
9:07am, with all that hummous down in Jaffa and the felafel at Shlomo’s in Tel
Aviv, I did feel Jew-ish being there.”

It is odd being tied so strongly through heritage and family history to this culture/race/religion, yet only existing on the fringes of it.
Thankfully, I’ve always felt welcome.
xxx aa

[Update, Feb 2009]

Since I wrote this, there’s a lot of different and very private spiritual feelings that have awakened within me and have changed the course of my life. My personal, spiritual and ancestral path flows powerfully withing me and feels great. If you’d like to know more, buy me a drink and I’ll tell you sometime. Don’t worry, it’s all good.

I got sick of driving the canyonero around just to drive two blocks away, so I bought a low rider.
It’s sick.
As a result I’ve been singing a really brilliant Syd Barret song from an early Pink Floyd record, it’s called ‘Bike’.

I’ve got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It’s got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I’d give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

You’re the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I’ll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I just rode around the neighbourhood for about half an hour, just cruising about.

You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
I recalled days of travelling with a pack of about fifteen kids in an armada of BMX bikes around the streets of Chapel Hill in Brisbane.
I had the sickest BMX back then.

Now I own a great big black bike, with a basket on the front so I can go to the grocery store and back.

Weeee.

I can’t wait until the morning when I ride over to the park so I can go for a run.

xx a

Every morning I take the dog for a walk to pee and poo.
She’s a golden Lab and possibly the most harmless ball of doggy love you’ve ever met.
However, the kids who are on the way to the Ultra-Orthodox Jewish school next door are terrified of her.
She smiles and wags her tail at them, ears back, submissive pose, hoping they’ll say hello, but the kids jump and scream and freak out like she’s Gamera torching the streets of Tokyo.

Apparently they’re taught to be terrified of dogs.

It got me thinking about paradigms that we’re taught as truth when we’re at young age that aren’t true at all.

What things did you believe were absolute truths when you were a kid that scared the shit out of you, and now you just kind of giggle?

Usually they’re things that elder siblings (or churches, take your pick) brainwash you with for fun.

I remember being five, and my big brother brought the War of the Worlds record home, played it to me, showed me all the
illustrations, told me it was real, and that it could happen again soon.

I was terrified, and didn’t sleep properly for ages.

That shit messed me up until I was about fourteen.

xx aa

Hey,

Much as I love Jay and the Doctor in the mornings, and FBI (in Sydney) all day,
The two greatest radio stations on the planet can be listened to online.
Firstly KDAY – Hip Hop today and Back in the Day. In the 80′s it was LA’s first all hip-hop station and launched NWA and Dr Dre. It plays brilliant old school/new school hip hop from Rodondo Beach, California.

Secondly. Indie 103 in Los Angeles. Jonesy’s Jukebox particularly, you can hear it at 7am Sydney time. Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols plays records every day, and it’s genius radio. Today Keith O’sullivan (of Stand By Me and Flatliners fame) is on his show. Dicky Barret from the Mighty, Mighty Bosstones does breakfast and Henry Rollins plays assortments from his vast and odd collection of records every Wednesday 3-5pm Sydney time. Listen, learn and rejoice in what I think is the greatest radio station on Earth.

Have fun.

xx aa

Told you I looked like I’ve got ADD up there on that quiz show.

Thanks for the T-shirt George. I really like your clothes.

Thanks for all the essays you wrote. I’ll try and put a few up on another page if I can figure it out.

Take care all.

xx aa